An Open Letter
- Thank you. I don’t know what else I could say to let you know how I truly adore your whole being. You are one of the few people I trust, and I certainly don’t know what I’d do if I lose you in my life now. We’ve grown so close throughout the years. My relationship with you is far stronger than all of my romantic relationships combined! You understand me. You know my strengths and my weakness. I am glad that we are finally making things happen.
- I miss you and I want to be with you. I’m sorry! I hope you don’t mind and I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
- All those feelings I had for you is dead and I am burying them all in the past. You were the anchor that pulls me down and I am cutting you off completely. I’m praying that hopefully one day you’ll come into your senses. I still believe that people can change. Even for someone like you. Thank you for the experience. You have taught me well.
- It’s hard to hate you sometimes cos you are one of the special people in my life. You never used to be like this and it’s sad that you are becoming someone I would avoid. You never seem to listen and everything has to be your way. I’m getting extremely tired. I hate that I have to feel this way about you.
- You came into my life and in a short period of time I developed strong feelings for you. But I am too frightened to do anything that could jeopardise what we have. I want to take it slow and I like that we are on the same page about this.
- You are young to experience life this way! You deserve way better. I am crying inside cos what happened to you, but I am extremely proud at the same time. You’ve been keeping a strong outlook since the start. I love you and I will always be here for you no matter what.
Sometimes we cling on to relationships that are abusive to us, not because we are foolish but because we give too much faith on those people. That someday — withstanding the pain, wretchedness, disappointments and heart aches — they might eventually realize and appreciate us. Maybe, just maybe, change for us too. We put this notion in our mind that if we continue to stick around despite all those affliction they would someday come into their senses. We hold on to the relationship so we can save that person, without thinking that we are actually losing ourselves in the process.
ETA: I had that kind of relationship. Everything revolved in that one person alone. My life had become his. Though the relationship wasn’t perfect, I am not going to deny that there were good moments, too. I was happy. Contented even. But there was also awareness. Awareness that the relationship, those feelings and the person associated with it were feigned. Not on my part, but his. I misinterpreted everything he did as “love”. I was too overwhelmed that I ignored and look passed the red flags, which obviously caused me my heart. Giving up wasn’t the easiest thing for me to do, but I know it was the right thing.
Being used isn’t the same as being needed.
These days when words become texts, emotions become emoticons and efforts become a task it is quite a struggle to tell a person’s intention is either good or bad. You get these people who claims to be there for you when in fact they were never there to begin with. They would make you feel special when it is just the two of you, but when somebody else is around? It is as if you don’t exist. Tell you pleasant words you’ve never heard from anyone before but means nothing. Nothing. Nothing but superficial phrases coming from the mouth of a superficial person.
I cannot comprehend how these people do things like this without feeling a taint of guilt. Putting myself in their shoes, I probably won’t be able to sleep at night. The guilt would kill me knowing that I am utilizing a person for my own benefit. A selfish act!
You make this person believe. Giving them false hopes. Assuring them that you’ll be there to catch them when they fall. But in reality, you are the devil who pushes them off. You used them until they have nothing else left to give, and you — the selfish git that you are — would just disappear in thin air. Leaving that person behind with nothing to hold on, not even themselves.
So don’t wonder why a lot of people build walls rather than bridges.
While everyone is having a great time getting high right now. I, on the other hand, just lost one of the most valuable person in my life! It was my fault entirely and I have no one else to blame except for myself. I am such a terrible person. A best friend for that matter. I got myself too overwhelmed on some things that I forgot to value the most important people in my life. I neglect everyone I love because I was too busy trying to be something else.
And I hate myself for that!
How is it possible for someone to be so gullible and has trust issues at the same time?
Thoughts around 2AM.
Maybe I should quit trying to figure you out. Your thoughts, your intentions and possibly your real feelings. It gets a little too exhausting sometimes. Figuring you out! You can be like this open book yet you consist of words I am not familiar with. Viewable but too hard to understand. It’s like you would let me in to your home, and then you shut the door right to my face the moment I step in. I don’t get it sometimes. I don’t get you sometimes.
As much as I want to deny it, but… I am growing up. The way I think, I see things and how I react to them? They all have changed. Everything about me is changing. I’m turning into this new person. Not someone different though but to who exactly I am supposed to be. And instead of being afraid, I should grasp the idea that this is inevitable and that there is nothing horrible about it.
After all, change is okay.
- I just realized that I haven’t updated or posted anything in this blog since last Friday. Gone are the days when I used to be so in love with Tumblr. Honestly, I don’t have any good reasons except the fact that my work is taking over my life and, well, the relationship is too overwhelming.
- December has been alright, so far. Although I did have a bit of a down moment this month. I’m really ticked off that this is going to be my 4th Christmas here in the UK. I miss Philippines so bad especially during the holiday seasons. I need to get home soon!
- Speaking of Christmas, I still have yet to do my Christmas shopping, buy my Secret Santa a gift and write my Christmas cards. All of this at a span of 10 days.
- Turning 22 next month and still clueless with what to do with my life. I really wish I was 15 again!
- I am losing my hope in humanity. I’m heartbroken and in grief to what happen in Newtown, Connecticut. Thoughts and prayers to the family who have lost their loved ones.
There are moments in my life that I wish I am not associated with my feelings. I wanna refuse to feel. Like, if I could, I just want to turn off my humanity and be ruthless. But no, I feel everything. And… I detest it sometimes.