Being used isn’t the same as being needed.
These days when words become texts, emotions become emoticons and efforts become a task it is quite a struggle to tell a person’s intention is either good or bad. You get these people who claims to be there for you when in fact they were never there to begin with. They would make you feel special when it is just the two of you, but when somebody else is around? It is as if you don’t exist. Tell you pleasant words you’ve never heard from anyone before but means nothing. Nothing. Nothing but superficial phrases coming from the mouth of a superficial person.
I cannot comprehend how these people do things like this without feeling a taint of guilt. Putting myself in their shoes, I probably won’t be able to sleep at night. The guilt would kill me knowing that I am utilizing a person for my own benefit. A selfish act!
You make this person believe. Giving them false hopes. Assuring them that you’ll be there to catch them when they fall. But in reality, you are the devil who pushes them off. You used them until they have nothing else left to give, and you — the selfish git that you are — would just disappear in thin air. Leaving that person behind with nothing to hold on, not even themselves.
So don’t wonder why a lot of people build walls rather than bridges.
While everyone is having a great time getting high right now. I, on the other hand, just lost one of the most valuable person in my life! It was my fault entirely and I have no one else to blame except for myself. I am such a terrible person. A best friend for that matter. I got myself too overwhelmed on some things that I forgot to value the most important people in my life. I neglect everyone I love because I was too busy trying to be something else.
And I hate myself for that!
How is it possible for someone to be so gullible and has trust issues at the same time?
Thoughts around 2AM.
Maybe I should quit trying to figure you out. Your thoughts, your intentions and possibly your real feelings. It gets a little too exhausting sometimes. Figuring you out! You can be like this open book yet you consist of words I am not familiar with. Viewable but too hard to understand. It’s like you would let me in to your home, and then you shut the door right to my face the moment I step in. I don’t get it sometimes. I don’t get you sometimes.
As much as I want to deny it, but… I am growing up. The way I think, I see things and how I react to them? They all have changed. Everything about me is changing. I’m turning into this new person. Not someone different though but to who exactly I am supposed to be. And instead of being afraid, I should grasp the idea that this is inevitable and that there is nothing horrible about it.
After all, change is okay.
- I just realized that I haven’t updated or posted anything in this blog since last Friday. Gone are the days when I used to be so in love with Tumblr. Honestly, I don’t have any good reasons except the fact that my work is taking over my life and, well, the relationship is too overwhelming.
- December has been alright, so far. Although I did have a bit of a down moment this month. I’m really ticked off that this is going to be my 4th Christmas here in the UK. I miss Philippines so bad especially during the holiday seasons. I need to get home soon!
- Speaking of Christmas, I still have yet to do my Christmas shopping, buy my Secret Santa a gift and write my Christmas cards. All of this at a span of 10 days.
- Turning 22 next month and still clueless with what to do with my life. I really wish I was 15 again!
- I am losing my hope in humanity. I’m heartbroken and in grief to what happen in Newtown, Connecticut. Thoughts and prayers to the family who have lost their loved ones.
There are moments in my life that I wish I am not associated with my feelings. I wanna refuse to feel. Like, if I could, I just want to turn off my humanity and be ruthless. But no, I feel everything. And… I detest it sometimes.
I haven’t been blogging for a while now, and… I am not even sorry. Being away from Tumblr for a couple of days felt like I lived. And it feels nice that I am not always stuck in my bedroom, worrying what to blog. I don’t know when it all started but for the past couple of weeks I felt like I’m pushing myself so hard when it comes to blogging. It’s like I have this voice telling me “You. Must. Blog.” stuck in my head! Though instead of convincing me, it does the complete opposite of it.
But anyway, I am just glad that I took a time off — though not a lot — from Tumblr. It brought my mojo back! Also, I guess it is safe to say that I have accomplished something while I was away from the blogosphere. And that’s something you might want to wait and see. Or not. Lol! But yes, glad to be back here again. I can totally say that Tumblr is the place where I can be just me and not worry about what other people have to say.
November 04, 2012
Above all the guys I met in my entire life, you are the most different one. Not the ‘one of a kind’ sort of different, but the ’you are an example of a walking cliché, it makes you human’ kind. And I guess, I like that in you. You don’t care what other people thinks. You say what you want — as blunt as you need to be — and even if I sometimes detest that attitude of yours, I still have a myriad of reasons to like you. I accept you; your flaws and all.