I can still remember when I first kissed your lips. It was quick and simple. Not as amazing like the one you would see in a movie, but it was special. Because it was a first. It was innocent. Our lips was pristine. And we know that the moment our lips touch, we both know that it’s going to be us and forever.
It’s somehow funny how people would think I’m the innocent type towards everything. I find it sweet and rather hilarious when people look at me in astonishment whenever I came out with something considered taboo in a conversation. Or when they suddenly hear me saying the “F-word”. I don’t know if it’s my rather innocent feature or the fact that I don’t talk a lot during the first conversation or perhaps maybe I dwell more inside my head than join in the discussion. I sometimes wonder if it’s a bad thing. That I dwell inside my subconscious mind more when really, I should be attentive with my surroundings. Like, right now. I should have spend my last day off going out to the beach, talk to strangers about how the weather is horrible today. But no, instead I stayed at home, lay in my bed and stared on my Twitter’s timeline for hours asking myself questions which really I shouldn’t ask myself at the first place. Now, what’s the connection of Twitter and me being socially awkward and withdrawn? Yep. Nothing really! I just felt like saying those things about me because it seems pretty nice to start a post.
Damn, I suck at blogging!
It just occurred to me yesterday afternoon that I did love you. I was in love with you. That all of those times we were talking, bickering and fooling around, I know within myself that I didn’t love you as a mere friend but so much greater than that. I’m so stupid for not saying it out loud. Stupid for even denying it right in front of you. But I was scared! The fear of commitment got the better of me that I chose not to tell you instead.
So all those days, weeks, months of not talking to you and hearing your voice, do trust me when I say “I miss you” because I mean it. Do believe me when I say I thought about you during those moments and still thinking about you ‘til now. I know I’ve hurt you for laughing and not believing that your feelings for me was true. I am really sorry for mocking you. And do also know that I truly did love you on all those times we’re together.
But I know I’m too late now and I won’t blame you for leaving. If only I was brave enough then; I could’ve stop you from departing.
The sun was already setting. We’re hanging at the beach like we usually do. You were talking gibberish again about how you wanted to serenade someone with your guitar, how you want to sail the ocean with her and that she will listen to you even if you’re already talking nonsense. I heard this story about a thousand times. I look at you while you continue on talking. I always wonder how you never look at me back, so I turned my head away. Out of the blue, you suddenly held my hand. Gripping it tight as if afraid to let go. I look at you again. Wondering. You just smiled, pulled me closer and continue on talking.
On that moment I know you wanted me to listen. So I laughed and whispered, “I love you” to the air.
The more followers you have, the less private your blog is. Then people starts to criticize you in any way possible. The way you look and talk, and even your perspective in life. They judge you like they personally know you — when they are not even an inch close!
How can you actually miss someone if you haven’t seen them yet? How can you even say that the feelings you’ve both shared was indeed love, when all you got are just his words? When your lips never locked and never shared an embrace? How can you say that he is real? That every word he said was real?
And I wonder… how many people, in this world, have fell in love with a faceless lover?
You have made so much memories with me that it’s been haunting me now! Although, it’s just been a day since this moving on started, so I guess I can let myself off this time. My phone has been buzzing from the messages I received from my friends and phone calls from my family. I have been laughing though, which is a good thing right? I mean, even if it doesn’t particularly say I am happy right now, but at least I’m not miserable. I’m actually glad that I got to talk to other people; because they distract me from thinking of you. But all this buzzing sound whenever someone messages me, it just reminds me of you. It reminds me of the times you would check up on me if I’m doing fine or when you miss me. It reminds me of the moments where you send me a message because you want to talk to me. It reminds me of you. Mainly you and I hate that it does. It makes me want to smash this forsaken phone because that’s how much I hate you right now. But I can’t do it. Because even if I hate you so much that I just want to hit your face, I still fucking love you! Whatever I do, whatever you do, I still seem to forgive you despite what you did.
You don’t know how much pain I am feeling since the day I found out you lied to me, and until now. I might still even feel this until tomorrow, and the next day and the day after that. I don’t know when will this pain is ever going to stop. But even if it hurts now, I am still hoping. Hoping that someday all of this will make sense. And I’m hoping that someday, eventually, I will be happy again. And not just because I have to, but because I am.
You tell me.
I want to refrain myself from making a post about us. But for the last time, let my words sink in and do believe that I am telling you the truth. I don’t know when will be the next time I will hear your voice— that favourite sound I always want to hear first thing in the morning and when I go to bed. I told myself before, if loving you means doing the wrong thing, I would risk my feelings! And even if it hurts, I will keep hanging on to us, as long as you still love me.
You never fail to say I love you…until today.
I keep hoping and hoping that you will, but to no avail. I decided to let you go. Yet again. Although this is not the only reason why I suddenly give up. The past few weeks were hard for me. I keep giving off signs that I need you, but you were never there. And even if you keep telling me that you love me; you, however, made me feel otherwise. It’s like, you just shut me off from your life suddenly. You’d only talk to me when you needed something. You made me question my value. What was I to you?